Just another character in my mental world. I came across an older version of this idea (some may remember it, but I hope not) and decided to run with it a little.---------------------------------------
The Boobsai Tree (highmaintenus teeinayus)
Also called the Mourning Wood due to the posture they take on when not healthy. These trees are found by the hundreds only in certain dense forests of the Dark Continent. However due to the unexplored areas of the Dark Continent at the time of this publication, a more exact number of the species cannot be determined.
What is known is that the boobsai tree gets its name from it physical resemblance to the humanoid female. The mature tree typically grows to around eighteen inches over a period of five years in the wild. Domesticated boobsai tend to grow a bit taller (twenty-one inches on average) in the hands of meticulous owners. The boobsai can live for hundreds of years in optimum conditions and it is not uncommon to come across boobsai that have been in a family for generations.
Like any plant, a boobsai tree needs water and sunlight to thrive. Recent history and civilized domestication has shown, however, that a boobsai lives longer and grows taller in the hands of an owner who gently massages various nodes on its trunk on a regular basis. The healthy mature boobsai will sprout two seeds (often called nipples due to the location of the seeds) once in its life, which eventually fall off in the trees twilight years. Owners of boobsai have been found to value them as much as much as any household pet, taking them along on vacations and through leisurely walks in the park. The uniqueness of hair color and bark color of every boobsai has led to extravagant boobsai shows, Miss Boobsai Universe pageants, and boobsai Olympics in which the boobsai owner presents his/her tree to be judged based on factors such as pose, bark, and hair style. Many universities now require their undergraduate botany students to begin growing a boobsai in their freshman year and present it to the department dean at the completion of their studies.
The boobsai have, for years, been considered one of the easiest plants to care for because of the way in which they expresses their emotional and physical state. A healthy boobsai will change its pose with every lunar cycle, keeping the pose until the next cycle comes. An unhealthy boobsai will adopt a progressively drooping posture until it finally breaks from its base and dies. Another indication of a lonely or unhealthy boobsai is a continuous unintelligible string of high-pitched disconcerting babbling sounds from their mouths known as boobsai-bitch. For centuries many linguists have believed that this is not a simple noise, as is accepted widely in scientific circles, but a very complex language waiting to be translated. The natives of the forest where boobsai grow naturally usually have at least one boobsai in every garden. They believe that boobsai-bitch tells them when it is time to allow the soil to rest and rejuvenate itself of the nutrients depleted by their crops.
Most probably due to their resemblance of the humanoid female, the domesticated boobsai have had to endure years of abuse by careless and uninformed owners. Some examples of this abuse includes to painting and clothing of the boobsai. Boobsai are typically sturdy plants able to withstand the often-tumultuous weather of the forest, but are very sensitive to the chemicals in humanoid makeup components such as lipstick and art-paint. The chemicals that are absorbed through the boobsais bark often spell certain death for the tree. Owners who clothe them in (usually cute-crazy little girls, panty-crazy men, and business-suit-crazy feminists) tend to overlook the importance of the circulation of nutrients throughout the upper trunk. These articles of clothing get caught in tight crevasses when the boobsai changes its pose and the material causes infection if it is not able to be removed right away (usually requiring very expensive emergency surgery). These boobsai are often quietly thrown out with the trash by their negligent owners and left to their fate. PETA [link] , a privately-funded environmental protection group, has a sect dedicated to wandering cities and suburbs listening for the sounds of boobsai-bitch. These abused trees are nursed back to health and taken to ranches with vast greenhouses dedicated to the recovery and care of boobsai trees.
Think of Adopting a Boobsai Tree?
Those thinking of adopting a boobsai tree must first be sure that they understand the amount of dedication required to maintain a healthy boobsai. Oftentimes this requires that one take on a flexible schedule. If you are not a patient, tolerant, and somewhat perverted individual, then a boobsai is not for you. PETA, in an effort to protect boobsai, have recently released a statement saying that they would RPSG (rocket propelled stink-grenade) any house or apartment complex where a boobsai is found in the garbage. Some believe this has resulted in a rash of condemned condos and upper-class gated-community crack houses (the horrendous stench left by these bombs is permanent), and sharply declined the boobsai market while birthing a much more mindful boobsai owner. Others believe that bad owners have learned to simply gag their discarded boobsai, use them for firewood come winter (their sap is highly flammable), or utilize them as novelty dog-beaters for evening jogs (the wood can be hardened significantly through a special roasting process). It is highly recommended that prospective owners search their hearts and evaluate their personality. If you believe you have what it takes to raise a healthy boobsai tree, you will discover a word of beauty, wonderful artistic poses, and the companionship of a loving tree.